The Unexpectedly Unexpectant Mommy

It seems to me that cancer has surrounded me for a big part of my adult life. I didn't realize it until this week after watching a movie: If you haven't seen this movie..... You need to. It's beautiful, sweet, romantic, and heartbreaking... all at the same time. Two teenagers that still find the beauty in life & love even though they have cancer. After watching this movie, I began to reflect on just this year alone in my life with friends or even meer Facebook pages that I have followed closely. Everywhere I looked, cancer seemed to be staring me in the face.  I know, I know. Everyone keeps saying, "Everything causes cancer nowadays." I have never been more aware until this year. As some of you women (or even men who may follow this blog & are going through this with your partner) may know, a lot of the medications that we put into our bodies in order to conceive can cause us to have a higher risk of cancer. Some of these medications are

Oh how I wish I could come here today and say that our IUI procedure worked. I kept my hopes up right to the very end, but deep down inside, I just had that feeling that it wouldn't work. I told my mom that I didn't think it worked. I prepared myself for the "what if it didn't work" & I am so grateful that I did. During the time that we were soaking in the fact that our family planning will just be taking a little longer than anticipated, we received news that made us come together even more. Giovanni received a promotion that is relocating us to Temecula, California! Not such awesome news, he had to report out there on the first. We found two days after my birthday that he would need to pack up and head out to be there on the first. 6 days notice. Then again, this has been my husband's dream, so bring it on. I've had to stay here in Vegas to tie up all loose ends and make sure that everything is packed. This is my last week in Vegas and I am s

This seems to be a lot to cover for one post, but honestly.... It all came to me at once... I like to keep it at a two topic max... but let's face it. I do what I want. For starters.... I was talking to someone about my ttc journey & she said, "Just relax!!" If you are in this ttc with me, then you know there is nothing more annoying than someone telling you to relax. In fact, it's the worst shit-vice (shit + advice) anyone could give you. Really??? I was relaxed for the first year. Statistics show that it takes the average couple 6-12 months to conceive a child. I was relaxed for that 6-12 months. IM NO LONGER RELAXED! So I decided to ask around to some of my groups on what NOT to say to a woman/couple that are ttc. I received some pretty fucking awesome ones... and others... well I had to ask why the FUCK no one punched that asshole in the throat.  Here's some of the top answers that I received: Just stop thinking about it "I hated... I mea

It's been a while since I have been able to really sit down and make a post. Every time I try, something comes up. Work, Dr Appts, More Work, and just life in general. This particular post is really special. The month of September holds great joy in my life. It also holds great pain. I should be able to wake up on September 22 & hold a 4 month old baby in my arms & be thankful that I made it through another year of life. I should be able to call my Dad and listen to him tell me how I am officially half way to 50. I'm pretty sure my dad will still do this, but I wont be able to celebrate my birthday like I use to.  Instead I get to remember how I woke up that morning feeling a little "off"....  I laid in bed longer than usual & didn't have motivation to even brush my hair. I could hear the sounds of little dachshund nails tap dancing on the tile. Giovanni was clinging pots around, so I knew Burger was tap dancing in hopes that he dropped something d

October 1st, 2013....Called my artist Waffle and told him to be ready for me at 9 pm. I had something special I wanted done. He knew the situation that I was in and how my heart was completely shattered. This art was perfect for the occasion. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. There was not a better way to have a memorial for my first little one. I did not think that I would be going through the same thing again in Feb, but it helped me through round two of the nightmare. It is a constant reminder to me that there are two little angels up there watching me. They keep their wings wrapped tightly around Giovanni and I. When I get sad I rub the beautiful angel on my forearm, it's a complete pick me up.  Why the forearm you ask? Think about it. Where do mommys and daddys hold their babies?  This tattoo has become the center of many conversations. Good and Bad. I have had plenty of people give me a hug and tell me that I am strong. I have also had plenty

This post is going to turn this blog around. I don't want pity. I don't want you to think that I am unfortunate. I am fortunate. I am fortunate enough to have a husband that loves me more than life itself and who understands the feelings that I have every day. I am fortunate to have a doctor who believes that I will become a mother.  I am fortunate to have all of you that not only read my blog, but share it too. This is going to be full of positives.. Dont get me wrong... there will be a venting section. Speaking of Positives..... I finally receives a positive (pos) opk last week. If you aren't quite sure what a pos opk is, you can find the definition & how to us it  here . A word to the wise........ Make sure that when you send it to your friend who has been through every up and down with you that you warn her that it's an opk and not a damn pregnancy test. Sorry Kate!! Didn't mean to almost make you go into pre-term labor. Love you!!! So I'm

Well.... I haven't written in a while..Sorry!!!! Giovanni and I celebrated our first anniversary on June 29, 2014, so I have had a lot going on with being out of state and then adjusting back to work. Everything went smoothly though & tonight I just took my first dose of Clomid. Just an FYI.... I know I haven't finished exactly where I left off... again as the last post stated; I do have a hard time finishing things & I going to blame it on my self diagnosis of ADD. In celebration of our first anniversary, I'd like to share a picture of my uber handsome husband that I took of him while we were in San Francisco on our honeymoon. Nothing like a sexy Filipino boy to get the engine going....... In other news... I want to go back to September 22, 2013 where I was having my ectopic. I cannot for the life of me remember whether I explained what an extopic pregnancy is, but for those of you who are just starting this ttc (trying to conceive) journey, I will explain

Now I usually only write a blog a night... but tonight... there's a need for two... I wanted to just kind of update everyone with where I am right now. On Friday, June 13, 2014, I had another HSG. The results came back normal and I have been given a higher dose of Clomid. I have been pregnant twice on this so we shall see how this next couple rounds go. If we are not pregnant by the end of December, Dr. K will refer us to another doctor that he works closely with. We will then start looking at IVF and IUI. Some of you may not recognize the terms IVF and IUI so I will have a short explanation of both.. Most are familiar with IVF. Invitro Fertilization. It's what they like to call a "test tube" baby. They extract semen from the male and eggs from the female. The eggs that are usable, they fertilize with the semen and they decide from there what eggs are able to be inserted into the uterus. We are a candidate for this as this bypasses the traveling through the fall

Now before I start this post I would like to add something that I think is vital to tell.... I have been drinking wine tonight. With that being said, I will not be surprised if there are misspelling of words or run on sentences. I pretty much think all my sentences are basically run on sentences... but Fuck It. I wanted to take pictures every waking fucking second of my life.... I was waiting for that magical little bump to appear.... That photo was taken at 5 weeks. As we all know... No one in their right mind shows at 5 weeks. Many women don't even know they are pregnant at 5 weeks. As an expecting mother, you are looking for people to tell you that you're going to be so cute when you get bigger or you will lose the baby weight as soon as you pop that sucker out.  I didn't get that treatment. It almost felt like it was taboo for me to be pregnant. It was taboo for anyone to talk about it. It sure as hell was a no-no subject for my best friend and I. She said it,&q

Taysia took me to my HSG test on August 12, 2013. I had been taking the clomid for the first cycle.  Gio was traveling a lot and I found that when I wasn't at work; I wanted to just be at home. Away from everyone. Just in my best with my dachshund and Netflix streaming on the tv. I started to notice that I couldnt make it through the whole episode of Family Guy. Before I knew it, I wasn't making it through the opening credits of that stupid show. All I wanted to do while Giovanni was traveling was to sleep. I started having weird, vivid, and just super life life dreams. Dreams that you really couldn't tell what was reality and what wasn't.  I have dealt with depression for a while and I found that I'd eat my feelings, throw myself in to my work load, or I absolutely love to sleep. Being that I was by myself and lonely, I chopped up the fact that I was constantly sleeping and exhausted to depression.  It wasn't depression. No, no.... It was something more. I

Our journey really started rather quickly after we met in June 2011. We were always together and started talking about our lives as a couple. By August 2011 we were living together. I gave up my apartment and my dog Burger tagged along as well. You can always tell when you have a good man if your dog would rather cuddle up next to him instead of you.... especially when you recued her from her little life of hell...We were both going through some troubling times during that part of the year, however, we made it work and really used each other to become greater people. Fast forward a little bit & before you know it we were talking marriage and babies. We always said we would be happy with whatever comes first. I was happy with not being married while trying to have a child. I was ok not being married when our baby was to be born. I wasn't raised that way & I'm pretty sure he wasn't either. My mom & dad use to lecture us kids about doing the right thing by wa

I'd like to start this post with a little introduction to my blog.... My husband and I were driving home from having dinner with my mom and dad. We began talking about things that I tend to start, but have a hard time finishing. The biggest example he brought up was this damn new blog. He had all these questions as to why I didn't just add on to the blog that I had before. It was a hard thing to explain to a man that really doesn't know much of anything about my past, other than what he has asked about, that I couldn't bare to reopen that blog that held so many dark secrets. There is no way I am able to convert that blog to a free for all after keeping it private to the world. I want this blog to be something that I am able to just let myself go. If I'm having a hard day due to hormones; there's no doubt that there will be other people that are in the same boat as me that aren't going to judge. Not only that, but I just couldn't find a name. You can