1 Year & 1 IUI Later
It's been a while since I have been able to really sit down and make a post. Every time I try, something comes up. Work, Dr Appts, More Work, and just life in general.
This particular post is really special. The month of September holds great joy in my life. It also holds great pain. I should be able to wake up on September 22 & hold a 4 month old baby in my arms & be thankful that I made it through another year of life. I should be able to call my Dad and listen to him tell me how I am officially half way to 50. I'm pretty sure my dad will still do this, but I wont be able to celebrate my birthday like I use to. Instead I get to remember how I woke up that morning feeling a little "off"....
I laid in bed longer than usual & didn't have motivation to even brush my hair. I could hear the sounds of little dachshund nails tap dancing on the tile. Giovanni was clinging pots around, so I knew Burger was tap dancing in hopes that he dropped something delicious on the floor. I finally got up after a little coaxing from Gio. I sat up, finally got my legs over the side of the bed, put my feet on the floor, & stood up. There just wasn't something right... I finally shook it off and made my way into the dining room. Gio is the breakfast food master & made some awesome french toast topped with cut up strawberries. He always gets super excited for my birthday and began to tell me of the plans he made for my birthday. He barely got three sentences in when I laid down on the floor in the fetal position and began complaining of pain......
Nothing ever prepares you to see blood while you're pregnant. Nothing. There is not ONE fucking baby book that could prepare you for it. Your doctor cannot prepare you for it. Your mother can not prepare you for it.
My birthday marks the one year anniversary of when we lost our first child.
Oh and the double whammy?
September 27th, 2014 is the due date for our second child that we lost in February.
I cannot dwell on the horrible things with this month. I would be out of my mind insane to say that there is absolutely nothing to celebrate. After careful consideration, Giovanni and I took the plunge and decided to try IUI. (To learn more click here) It was very exciting, but very scary. I had no idea what to expect other than they put his "guys" where they need to go. That's it.
I had the option of either doing Clomid or Femara. Clomid wasn't too much of an option after my Dr advised me that most women shouldn't do more than 8 rounds in their entire life. Well imagine this, I have done 13. We wont even get into what happens to the uterus from the over usage of clomid. It always makes me want to go back and punch my previous Dr right in the throat. Some of the women in my support group got pregnant after using Femara. My Dr wrote out the RX and we scheduled an ultrasound for the 12th day of my cycle and scheduled for my IUI to be done this cycle too.
When you go the pharmacy and your pharmacist looks at you really confused, you should know that there is something up. He began asking me if I know what Femara is used for. Ummmmmmmm, DUH.... Ovulation?? Well not only is it used for ovulation... it's used to fight against breast cancer. That didn't scare me.
He then proceeded to let me know that I would experience drowsiness, nausea, hot flashes, headaches, etc. Sounds like clomid to me. No big deal. He forgot to mention the part where your hair can thin out...
There is nothing like brushing your hair in the morning before work and freaking out to the point that you're searching for a fucking bald spot on your head. I seriously was almost late for work because I took 20 extra minutes to find where the hell this hair came from.... Seriously.... I clean out my hair brush after using it...So image being me and seeing this.....
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This particular post is really special. The month of September holds great joy in my life. It also holds great pain. I should be able to wake up on September 22 & hold a 4 month old baby in my arms & be thankful that I made it through another year of life. I should be able to call my Dad and listen to him tell me how I am officially half way to 50. I'm pretty sure my dad will still do this, but I wont be able to celebrate my birthday like I use to. Instead I get to remember how I woke up that morning feeling a little "off"....
I laid in bed longer than usual & didn't have motivation to even brush my hair. I could hear the sounds of little dachshund nails tap dancing on the tile. Giovanni was clinging pots around, so I knew Burger was tap dancing in hopes that he dropped something delicious on the floor. I finally got up after a little coaxing from Gio. I sat up, finally got my legs over the side of the bed, put my feet on the floor, & stood up. There just wasn't something right... I finally shook it off and made my way into the dining room. Gio is the breakfast food master & made some awesome french toast topped with cut up strawberries. He always gets super excited for my birthday and began to tell me of the plans he made for my birthday. He barely got three sentences in when I laid down on the floor in the fetal position and began complaining of pain......
Nothing ever prepares you to see blood while you're pregnant. Nothing. There is not ONE fucking baby book that could prepare you for it. Your doctor cannot prepare you for it. Your mother can not prepare you for it.
My birthday marks the one year anniversary of when we lost our first child.
Oh and the double whammy?
September 27th, 2014 is the due date for our second child that we lost in February.
I cannot dwell on the horrible things with this month. I would be out of my mind insane to say that there is absolutely nothing to celebrate. After careful consideration, Giovanni and I took the plunge and decided to try IUI. (To learn more click here) It was very exciting, but very scary. I had no idea what to expect other than they put his "guys" where they need to go. That's it.
I had the option of either doing Clomid or Femara. Clomid wasn't too much of an option after my Dr advised me that most women shouldn't do more than 8 rounds in their entire life. Well imagine this, I have done 13. We wont even get into what happens to the uterus from the over usage of clomid. It always makes me want to go back and punch my previous Dr right in the throat. Some of the women in my support group got pregnant after using Femara. My Dr wrote out the RX and we scheduled an ultrasound for the 12th day of my cycle and scheduled for my IUI to be done this cycle too.
When you go the pharmacy and your pharmacist looks at you really confused, you should know that there is something up. He began asking me if I know what Femara is used for. Ummmmmmmm, DUH.... Ovulation?? Well not only is it used for ovulation... it's used to fight against breast cancer. That didn't scare me.
He then proceeded to let me know that I would experience drowsiness, nausea, hot flashes, headaches, etc. Sounds like clomid to me. No big deal. He forgot to mention the part where your hair can thin out...
There is nothing like brushing your hair in the morning before work and freaking out to the point that you're searching for a fucking bald spot on your head. I seriously was almost late for work because I took 20 extra minutes to find where the hell this hair came from.... Seriously.... I clean out my hair brush after using it...So image being me and seeing this.....
Honestly, at this point I would go BALD for a happy, healthy, smiling baby.
September 11th, 2014 was IUI day. I believe that is something to celebrate. The fact that we were able to square away our finances & shell out the $1,600 (includes medication... my trigger shot was $169!!) to be able to make it all happen is a blessing in itself.
Have you ever caught yourself trying to cheer someone up, only to realize that maybe you should take your own fucking advice? Coaching yourself or your staff should never be a negative thing. Now, you can't help the way someone interprets it, but you find little ways to make it easier for them to get where you are coming from. With this being said, I said something to one of my associates the other day & interestingly enough.... I think I was also saying it to myself as well.... "Look at it like this. I just told you that you won $25,000 & present you with a check. I then tell you're being taxed $5,000. Instead of celebrating the fact that you have $20,000, you're upset at the fact that I'm taking $5,000. Celebrate the fact that you just wont $20,000"
I have been so focused on the fact that I have lost two babies that I have made myself absolutely miserable. I have made it miserable for others to be around me. I need to celebrate my family, work, friends, and most of all my life. Those 4 things are my $20,000. Everything else doesn't matter.
<3
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