Sometimes In Tragedy, We Find Our Life's Purpose

I don't even know where to start with this post. I have started and stopped this post a number of times as I couldn't find the words to write.

This year has been hands down the hardest for not only me, but for my entire family. I feel like 2017 has been our year of loss.

My best friend passed away in January of this year. I still find it a rather suspicious passing, but I wont get into details with that. I met her when I was 12 and we instantly clicked. We were inseparable and our family were friends. You didn't see Kristin without seeing me in the mix as well. We stayed in constant contact when I moved away in 2004 and when I came out of the Air Force I immediately moved back to Alabama to be with her and my childhood boyfriend, who happened to be her cousin. During my brief stay there she got married and I was the one who bought her the pregnancy test that came out positive. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage, but she knew I was right there with her. We had a silly falling out caused by her new husband and when I moved back to Vegas, we didn't talk to each other for a few years. She had her first son & I loved from a distance. We finally started speaking again and realized just how absolutely ridiculous our disagreement was and just like that. . . back to talking, texting, and SnapChatting like we never skipped a beat. She went through a divorce and a nasty custody battle ensued for her two sons. I can still remember our last conversation. We talked wedding plans since she was suppose to be getting married this past summer. I was suppose to be a bridesmaid and we were talking wedding colors. I told her that I loved her and that court would go in her favor. She had nothing to worry about. She said she would call me after court and after another set of "I love you"s we hung up. I got a message the next morning that her body was found. My best friend of 15 years. Gone just like that. I didn't think my heart could hurt that badly. I especially didn't think my eyes could cry that many tears. I just didn't think it was possible.

July 2017.... My daughter's birthday is the 24th and due to her birthday landing on a Monday this year, we decided to celebrate a day early at the a bowling alley. It was amazing to see our friends and family there & as always, Penelope was glue to her cousin. Nova and Penelope were thick as thieves. Penelope was his shadow and Nova loved her so much. We didn't realize that the 23rd of July would be the last time we would see our four year old nephew alive. July 26th turned our lives upside down. My sister-in-law and nephew were victims of domestic violence that ended in a murder-suicide. Thankfully my sister-in-law's life was spared, but our sweet Nova's life was taken at the hands of his own father. My husband and I are in counseling to help sort through our feelings and try to process this senseless tragedy. Penelope is always asking for Nova and we make sure that we keep his pictures on the fridge and on her little iPad. She also asks Giovanni, "Where is Nova?" So Giovanni will show her a picture of him. We remind her that he loves her very much and we will make sure that we continue to keep his little spirit alive in our home. I wish I could say that this tragic event brought our family closer together, but it's done the opposite. I am hoping that we are able to find a peaceful middle ground so that we are all able to celebrate his life.

October 2017.  I'm not sure how much more heartbreak I can take this year. I feel like there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel for 2017. It's like the year that just doesn't stop passing the bullshit hands for everyone to deal with.

October 1st is a day that I will never be able to wipe away from my mind. Route 91 festival is a country music festival that my best friend and I had plans to attend. We kept talking about it and then she didn't know if she was going to have a baby sitter or how pregnant I would be and how I'd feel. We finally stopped talking about it for a couple weeks and we scratched it off our list of things to do. It came up again and both of us weren't sure if we would have baby sitters, but Taysia kept telling me about all the fun I missed out the year before when she went. I finally told her that maybe I'd go with her next year as I wouldn't be pregnant and would be able to stand all night and have a couple beers. I had also forgotten that Oct 1st is my Mother-In-Law's birthday, so I wouldn't have been able to go anyways due to all of us getting together for family dinner. We left the family dinner and I ended up taking a walk that night. I was really clearing my head over some unpleasant events at the dinner and when I walked into my home my phone began to vibrate constantly. I was being flooded with texts, facebook messenger messages, and calls. I was really confused with the first "Are you ok?" text. I checked the news and that's where is saw it. Mass shooting at the venue that my best friend and I were thinking about going. My mom's boss was stuck inside the MGM in a dark room with other people and they were hiding while also hearing gun fire. Las Vegas was ROCKED that night by an asshole with a vendetta. I have never sat at my table in absolute silence and shaking before.
My husband and I have always had an open dialogue about what to do in the case of a terrorist attack, but no one knew what was actually going on. Living in Vegas we have always known that it was a matter of "When" not "if" this type of thing would happen here. My instance sense of security was ripped away from us. We sat there in silence trying to comprehend what was happening and why it was happening. Who was this man? Is there multiple shooters? Why was he/they doing this? What did these innocent people do to deserve this at all? 59 dead and over 550 people injured. We still have people missing. Why? How?
I can't begin to tell you how this has changed our community for the better. Our community came together so fast. People were in lines to donate blood for up to 10 hours. People drove in from other states to come help our city. Our home. To help people they don't know. It's disturbing that an event like this is what brings people together. It's sad that something like THIS is what stops the bullshit for even a moment. We are Vegas. We are #vegasstrong

A little light to all this darkness:

The death of our nephew really put me behind on my blog. I left off not knowing if my pregnancy was viable and when Nova passed, I can say that my pregnancy wasn't the top of my list. That sounds absolutely disgusting to say, but I want to be as honest as possible. Having been in a relationship riddled with domestic violence & now my sister-in-law being a victim of an domestic violence that ended so much worse than I could have ever imagined, I have decided to finally be open and honest about my experience. I am proud to say that I want to start helping victims of domestic violence and survivors. I'm looking into social work programs and hoping to start in the next summer courses. I can't wait to share the experiences of college and work that I hope to do.

I am currently 18 weeks pregnant. My IVF was successful and this beautiful little bean has been such a joy in all the sadness. I will say that I haven't been able to fully enjoy this pregnancy with all the darkness around us, but I take a moment every day to give thanks that Baby Cabrera has made it this far. It's hard to be so happy about a little life when so many have been taken this year. It's hard to call up our family with exciting gender news and realize that deep down, you are the only one that is excited and end up being overwhelmed by waves of guilt. Guilt isn't what I thought I was going to be dealing with. I thought celebrating this beautiful life that we have had such a hard time even creating would be magical. Instead we speak to my family and only to each other about our aspirations of our newest little one. We still don't  have a name for this cutie, but I would like to introduce everyone to our son!

I can't wait to continue sharing new things with you all. I really feel like this is the only place that I am able to feel excited and now that I have gotten caught up (mostly) I will be able to start sharing more and more.

XOXO,

Jes