Time To Be Real
I don't quite know how to start this particular post. It's taken me almost a year to fully process and accept the "adventure" we have been on. I have been open and raw with you all when it has come to our infertility journey and things with the kids. It feels almost like I have been in hiding and that for me has been a whole new set of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. There have been a lot of ups and downs in the almost year that has gone by. This will be a rather long read, but I hope that you will hang in there and not judge too much.
The last time I updated, I went over the baby shower, the arrival of Lincoln, and got to share a couple of photos with you all. It was such an exciting time in our lives, but we were hiding something bigger. My relationship with my husband was falling apart behind closed doors. I wont go into great detail as to protect and respect the privacy of Giovanni.
We were still going through counseling and striving towards keeping our marriage going. At some point it was like I woke up one morning with complete clarity. We were settling. We were co-existing. We were talking, but not hearing each other. We were in each other's company without being present. We were parenting and we were glorified roommates. We use to lie in bed after Penelope would fall asleep and talk about the day in it's entirety. We would talk about our hopes for the future and aspirations into personal goals. It all stopped. We changed, but we were no longer growing together. We were no longer on the same path with one another. We both knew it, yet we both didn't want to admit it. Holding hands started to feel weird. Imagine holding hands with a complete stranger. Imagine looking at that person in the eyes and not recognizing the person that was looking back at you. Almost as if the soul that was once there, was blank. Cold. Unrecognizable. I moved into our daughter's room.
Our therapist recommended that I find pride in myself other than being a stay-at-home-mom. You ladies that stay at home for years and years, more power to you. I genuinely applaud and admire your dedication to home life. It takes someone special and strong to be so dedicated. Unfortunately, I am not one of the strong ones in that category. My mental health really started being affected by living within four walls. I got to the point that I wasn't able to focus on my children the way I needed to be able to. I was losing my sense of purpose in the world. When Maria suggested that I find something outside of parenting to truly make myself happy, I decided to look into bartending. It's something I was always so curious about, but wasn't sure if I would really enjoy. I took a leap of faith and went to bartending school. I took an expedited course due to Lincoln being so small & Gio being on paternity leave. I ended up having to learn around 250 drinks in just a week. I was in school 12 hours a day. I excelled in it and passed. I began working two weeks later and I am currently with that same company.
Finding myself again really started making me understand how much I just put myself to the side. I started feeling good about myself again. I started feeling independent. I was able to help with bills. I was able to take my kids to Target and not ask for money before going. I was able to do things again without asking for permission first. I began to really love myself again. Having a job meant having to sacrifice some of my time with my husband and my kids. I feel like this is where I was falling short. Even though my husband worked and I was helping take weight off his shoulders with everything, I was still being labeled as someone falling short on everything. My "wifely duties". My "mothering duties". It was just all being judged. It started feeling like it was all for nothing and as if I was being torn limb from limb because I wasn't balancing this new chapter in my life the way I "should" have been. I would come home and lock myself in my room because the static between him & I was started to affect the children in ways that it shouldn't have been.
In August we unknowingly went to one final therapy appointment together. I cant even remember the full context of the conversation. Our therapist looked at me right in the middle of things and asked, "So all of these things in your marriage has changed, correct? I can tell that you're in your head and can only hear what I imagine is Charlie Brown's teacher talking right now, yes?" I didn't know how to respond. Maria has always gotten me in ways that I can't begin to explain. Ways that other humans aren't suppose to understand other humans. Yet here we were. All eyes on me. I can only remember the feeling of the static in the air coming to a standstill and the leather couch suddenly feeling colder than usual. Before I could even process what I was going to say, my mouth opened and just spilled, "We can't keep doing this. We're killing ourselves trying to pretend that we are something we aren't. I can't do this anymore. I am ready for a divorce." I honestly couldn't understand what just happened. What I do understand though is that I all of a sudden felt like the world was taken off of my shoulders. I felt like I was no longer hiding these things. My confession opened up a healthy dialog in that room. It forced us to openly talk about the expectations of each other going forward.
Sadly, our chapter came to a close in December 2018. We still hit bumps in the road and we are still trying to figure out coparenting together. We are committed to happy and healthy children. As sad as it has been to have to split the kids between homes, I am happy to say that both of our beautiful children have adjusted well. We have their ages to be grateful for in that aspect. Penelope was just a little over 3 when this transition started. Lincoln was just a couple months old. Penelope is about to be 4 in a couple weeks and we celebrated Lincoln's first birthday in February.
The last time I updated, I went over the baby shower, the arrival of Lincoln, and got to share a couple of photos with you all. It was such an exciting time in our lives, but we were hiding something bigger. My relationship with my husband was falling apart behind closed doors. I wont go into great detail as to protect and respect the privacy of Giovanni.
We were still going through counseling and striving towards keeping our marriage going. At some point it was like I woke up one morning with complete clarity. We were settling. We were co-existing. We were talking, but not hearing each other. We were in each other's company without being present. We were parenting and we were glorified roommates. We use to lie in bed after Penelope would fall asleep and talk about the day in it's entirety. We would talk about our hopes for the future and aspirations into personal goals. It all stopped. We changed, but we were no longer growing together. We were no longer on the same path with one another. We both knew it, yet we both didn't want to admit it. Holding hands started to feel weird. Imagine holding hands with a complete stranger. Imagine looking at that person in the eyes and not recognizing the person that was looking back at you. Almost as if the soul that was once there, was blank. Cold. Unrecognizable. I moved into our daughter's room.
Our therapist recommended that I find pride in myself other than being a stay-at-home-mom. You ladies that stay at home for years and years, more power to you. I genuinely applaud and admire your dedication to home life. It takes someone special and strong to be so dedicated. Unfortunately, I am not one of the strong ones in that category. My mental health really started being affected by living within four walls. I got to the point that I wasn't able to focus on my children the way I needed to be able to. I was losing my sense of purpose in the world. When Maria suggested that I find something outside of parenting to truly make myself happy, I decided to look into bartending. It's something I was always so curious about, but wasn't sure if I would really enjoy. I took a leap of faith and went to bartending school. I took an expedited course due to Lincoln being so small & Gio being on paternity leave. I ended up having to learn around 250 drinks in just a week. I was in school 12 hours a day. I excelled in it and passed. I began working two weeks later and I am currently with that same company.
Finding myself again really started making me understand how much I just put myself to the side. I started feeling good about myself again. I started feeling independent. I was able to help with bills. I was able to take my kids to Target and not ask for money before going. I was able to do things again without asking for permission first. I began to really love myself again. Having a job meant having to sacrifice some of my time with my husband and my kids. I feel like this is where I was falling short. Even though my husband worked and I was helping take weight off his shoulders with everything, I was still being labeled as someone falling short on everything. My "wifely duties". My "mothering duties". It was just all being judged. It started feeling like it was all for nothing and as if I was being torn limb from limb because I wasn't balancing this new chapter in my life the way I "should" have been. I would come home and lock myself in my room because the static between him & I was started to affect the children in ways that it shouldn't have been.
In August we unknowingly went to one final therapy appointment together. I cant even remember the full context of the conversation. Our therapist looked at me right in the middle of things and asked, "So all of these things in your marriage has changed, correct? I can tell that you're in your head and can only hear what I imagine is Charlie Brown's teacher talking right now, yes?" I didn't know how to respond. Maria has always gotten me in ways that I can't begin to explain. Ways that other humans aren't suppose to understand other humans. Yet here we were. All eyes on me. I can only remember the feeling of the static in the air coming to a standstill and the leather couch suddenly feeling colder than usual. Before I could even process what I was going to say, my mouth opened and just spilled, "We can't keep doing this. We're killing ourselves trying to pretend that we are something we aren't. I can't do this anymore. I am ready for a divorce." I honestly couldn't understand what just happened. What I do understand though is that I all of a sudden felt like the world was taken off of my shoulders. I felt like I was no longer hiding these things. My confession opened up a healthy dialog in that room. It forced us to openly talk about the expectations of each other going forward.
Sadly, our chapter came to a close in December 2018. We still hit bumps in the road and we are still trying to figure out coparenting together. We are committed to happy and healthy children. As sad as it has been to have to split the kids between homes, I am happy to say that both of our beautiful children have adjusted well. We have their ages to be grateful for in that aspect. Penelope was just a little over 3 when this transition started. Lincoln was just a couple months old. Penelope is about to be 4 in a couple weeks and we celebrated Lincoln's first birthday in February.
Penelope- 3
Lincoln- 15 Months
Here's were I felt super awkward about sharing. I met someone. *gasp* I met someone in the middle of this whole ordeal. Someone who started off as just a regular patron at the bar I was working at. A stupid joke started off a friendship. A friendship that I wasn't sure I necessarily wanted. I'll be honest, going through the ending of a marriage made me realize just how lonely I was. The people who WE as a couple surrounded ourselves with all of a sudden disappeared. They didn't disappear from the both of us though. It's almost as if the people I have grown to know and love for almost ten years decided that they were divorcing me too. People I have called "family" seemed to just erased themselves from my life. As if divorce isn't hard enough, try feeling like your entire circle just never existed. The people who watched us get married, go through infertility, held our hands when we lost babies, celebrated births, first birthdays, you name it. . . . all of those people. Just. Gone. Losing friends honestly feels like dealing with the death of a loved one.
I wasn't sure if I really wanted a friend. Not just in him, but really anyone. Our friendship really blossomed. Grew into something I wasn't prepared for.
That person that became my best friend in all of this has really turned my life around. I am thankful that I met him when I did. Life really has a way to throw curve balls at you. It has a way of making you appreciate things that you didn't know you could.
Plot twist, Mauricio and I are now getting ready to meet a little girl of our own. That's right. Penelope & Lincoln have a sibling on the way. I felt really worried about sharing this since I know the backlash and judgment that I am going to be facing, but this is something I am very happy about. To clarify a couple things that I'm sure you all will have questions about:
No, I was not seeing Mo while still together with Gio. Although that seems to be the speculation.
No, this pregnancy was in no way planned at all.
Yes, we did end up tying the knot in Feb. No, it wasn't planned & was spur of the moment.
Yes, the kids do love him and have adjusted well.
Yes, he has adjusted well to becoming a step parent.
I am now losing focus and need to process what else I would like to cover. So for now, it's see you later.
Now that I am finally able to express what has been fully going on, I will make more of an effort to continue writing as this has been a huge outlet for me tonight.
-- Jes
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