When Realism Rears It's Ugly Head

I have been thinking about how I was going to start this post, but I don't think there is anything to do except to dive in.
I had my first blood work drawn since our transfer of our two embryos on Monday. My doctor was awesome and called me so excited to tell me that they were looking for my numbers to be around 20-25 and they were 59.5! Excellent! It was a great start. I did cheat though. I was taking pregnancy tests to make sure my HCG trigger shot was out of my system that way if I received two lines, I knew I was pregnant. Low and behold, I got my first set of pink lines on Saturday June 24, 2017. Giovanni could not keep his mouth closed. At all. He was telling anyone and everyone that would look at him that I was pregnant. Seriously?
I haven't had much of an appetite lately, but that is pretty normal for me during pregnancy to begin with and I have been sleepy after I eat.

This next part is what has me on edge. I went back today (Wednesday June 28, 2017) and had my second draw. Dr. Fisch called me and informed me that my beta numbers did not double. I am still considered pregnant, but things are not looking too great. He wanted to see my numbers be at least 120 and they came back at 102. Whomp whomp. Not what you want your doctor to tell you after you've put your body through so much and have lost 3 other babies. I reached out to my nurse who reassured me that there could be a reason as to why my numbers didn't double and to really look into a couple of things.

1. Vanishing Twin Syndrome.

As you guys know, we transferred two embryos. What happens with a vanishing twin is that the first beta will come on strong and then will seem to taper off and not double within 24 hours. An embryo before 8 weeks gestation can be absorbed by the other twin, the placenta, or the mother. Once the embryo is absorbed HCG should begin to increase and possibly double. I am hoping that this is a reason and that miscarriage is not.
Read more here

2. Slow rising HCG.
This tends to be common with IVF patients and even happened while I was pregnant with Penelope. My HCG in 2015 was about 10 less than it should have been and I still have my lovely little girl today. I think I am so scared about losing this pregnancy due to not meeting very many people that have had slow rising HCG and my last pregnancy was within 10 of what it should have been and not 18. Also hoping that this is a possibility and not a miscarriage.

3. Miscarriage.
I wouldn't even know where to start processing this if it was the case.

This is my 5th pregnancy in 4 years. I have one living child. I am so thankful for her. So thankful. I just can't understand why giving her a sibling is so hard or why this continues to be something that Giovanni and I struggle with. We wont be doing another IVF, but we do have our 4 little ones on ice. If worse comes to worse, we will be able to transfer two more, but I wont be going through the rest of the process all over again. We have come to terms that if none of our embryos work that we are perfectly fine being a family of 3 and giving Penelope the best life a little girl could ask for. She's amazing and although she deserves a sibling, she'll be fine being Daddy's girl and hanging out with her cousins.

Everyone is talking about being "optomistic" and "relax". That's not realistic. If you know me, you know that I prefer to be realistic. The three things I posted above are realistic things that can happen. Optimism isn't going to change the outcome. I love the words of encouragement, but I beg you all to stop telling me that I am "still young" and I can try later. I'm 27, not saying I'm old at all. I have health issues and a low egg reserve along with PCOS. Being "still young" is great, but my reproductive organs are not "still young" and I am in fact on borrowed time. It has been suggested that I look into having a hysterectomy after I am done having children due to the issues that my hormones are wreaking HAVOC on different parts of my body including my thyroid. Be more sensitive. Telling me, "Well at least you have Penelope." Stop. Do I have Penelope, yes. Am I experiencing motherhood, yes! However, my longing for another child is no different than someone else longing for their first. How do I know? We lost two before having Penelope. I have that same exact ache for another child as I had while trying to have Penelope. It's the same feeling. That feeling doesn't go away just because I have Penelope.

By the way, she is the coolest kid that has ever been born........ maybe I'm bias ;)

XOXO